Dear Zoe,
Too much time I questioned about why life is so hard and so many decisions needed to make. Sometimes I even don't how the result will be after a long period of time. I don't know if the other ones would be regret or not. Too many things I can't predict and too many things I don't know how to get a better decision. Do you have any good advice?
Love, SH
2010-09-28
2010-09-19
Glad to find the person able to give
Dear Zoe,
I was watching a film posted in TED. And a line just come up in the mind running through and it showed..
"Glad to find the person able to give." Yes, at least the one who can give is more rich then the one can only seize. Eventhough there's still no answer for all the pauses... At least, I found one is about to give is a blissed!
Love, SH
I was watching a film posted in TED. And a line just come up in the mind running through and it showed..
"Glad to find the person able to give." Yes, at least the one who can give is more rich then the one can only seize. Eventhough there's still no answer for all the pauses... At least, I found one is about to give is a blissed!
Love, SH
2010-09-18
Had a bad day
Dear Zoe,
A song made me cry for whole day. Finally the tears for the event can find it's way out. I flattered. The lyrics just discribes the way I am going though.
magic is lost
blue skies fade in to grey,
passions gone away.
tears in my eyes
A song made me cry for whole day. Finally the tears for the event can find it's way out. I flattered. The lyrics just discribes the way I am going though.
magic is lost
blue skies fade in to grey,
passions gone away.
tears in my eyes
2010-09-15
Wondering
Dear Z,
it's me again. Read your forward mail about "Yuen" that you send me this morning. I like the metaphore it says about how life like the flowing water. Yuen is like the waves, they come and go. But it missed mention about how should the self-reproach being replaced.
Days getting better lately, still wake up late though. Probably that's something I need to adjust 1st, at least make it into a normal schedule but not only happend once in a while.
Kid issue is a big task to my life, I don't even know what should I do. The only thing I can figure it out is leaving the condition to the "time" to answer it. I don't want to be the one block the other's wish, I do know how hurt it is. And I just come out with no other way.
Lot's of friends mentioned about life is hard? I don't think so, but people blocked the solution makes it harder. Maybe I am still the one who wish to make more people happy and that's why I will offering the seperation idea, just to give both of us a way out to find our own expectation in life. My up and down emotion comes from insecure and that's something bear in my life, I need more then regular standard to feel secure. No one but myself can clearly see that point, eventhough I figure it out late. And it's unfair to tell the other one that what he provide so far is unable to settle my thought in secure, if you already see how hard he is working on it. And I do nothing to improve that what call security. And that is partially why I don't think having a child is fair. I am stocked, stocked in the situation I don't even know how to solve.
What if the other one unable to feel my insecure, is that called different core value?
Things that wondering in my mind. And finally, finally, these can be narrated little by littel.
Love, SH
it's me again. Read your forward mail about "Yuen" that you send me this morning. I like the metaphore it says about how life like the flowing water. Yuen is like the waves, they come and go. But it missed mention about how should the self-reproach being replaced.
Days getting better lately, still wake up late though. Probably that's something I need to adjust 1st, at least make it into a normal schedule but not only happend once in a while.
Kid issue is a big task to my life, I don't even know what should I do. The only thing I can figure it out is leaving the condition to the "time" to answer it. I don't want to be the one block the other's wish, I do know how hurt it is. And I just come out with no other way.
Lot's of friends mentioned about life is hard? I don't think so, but people blocked the solution makes it harder. Maybe I am still the one who wish to make more people happy and that's why I will offering the seperation idea, just to give both of us a way out to find our own expectation in life. My up and down emotion comes from insecure and that's something bear in my life, I need more then regular standard to feel secure. No one but myself can clearly see that point, eventhough I figure it out late. And it's unfair to tell the other one that what he provide so far is unable to settle my thought in secure, if you already see how hard he is working on it. And I do nothing to improve that what call security. And that is partially why I don't think having a child is fair. I am stocked, stocked in the situation I don't even know how to solve.
What if the other one unable to feel my insecure, is that called different core value?
Things that wondering in my mind. And finally, finally, these can be narrated little by littel.
Love, SH
2010-09-13
境遇，在島嶼
Dear Z,
Sorry, 我沒接你的電話，最近就是一種不知道為什麼不想對話的狀態。也許是不想丟出範樣的訊息，只是為了一種禮貌，微笑著我看著自己連裝禮貌都提不起勁。
昨晚，好一陣子沒聯繫的老朋友來電話，問了好不好。接起電話，就是打算用真實的模樣面對的時候，我跟她說，"還好吧，不知道。"她問，"怎麼了？"，"不知道怎麼回事呢！"，喬出了一個掰出來的理由組起這個懶懶的還好吧！對話的當下，我思索著，如果這是我必須面對的空間，無法跨開的地域，或者這就必須繼續往前走的景象，這個靈魂該如何和這些纏繞與該與不該做一個和平的共處。就像綠色和平的那種國際組織一樣，尋找到一種可以作到protection理念又能夠和這世界相容的境地呢？
最近繼續在運動中，每天基本的600x4steps已經能夠在堅持中跨越，你呢？可以撐到多少了呢？偶爾會多吃了些零食，就有一種罪惡，一兩次還可以勉強自己再多做些運動，消掉那些意外(也許不是意外而是一種補償作用吧...^^)入口的熱量。很訝異，因為你的在家慢步，也跟著讓我慢慢的組出了這樣的習慣。至少，是這一段茫然無目標的日子裡，重要的正向事項。
今天有個突發奇想，想說，能不能動到累了，累到連那些虧欠和欠疚的思緒，都可以在過程中消耗隱形。可以看到這實在想要擺脫的包袱，或者，如果已經宣告不再參與，是該放下那一直撐著乘水的玻璃杯，就讓手臂好好的休息。(我喜歡你轉寄給我的那份email，也許是時間到了一個可以打開心情想想的時候..Anyhow,謝謝你那份剛好出現的文章。)
別偷懶，想到在電視前面動一動，消耗個一點點的卡路里，都是一種神氣！
Love, SH
Sorry, 我沒接你的電話，最近就是一種不知道為什麼不想對話的狀態。也許是不想丟出範樣的訊息，只是為了一種禮貌，微笑著我看著自己連裝禮貌都提不起勁。
昨晚，好一陣子沒聯繫的老朋友來電話，問了好不好。接起電話，就是打算用真實的模樣面對的時候，我跟她說，"還好吧，不知道。"她問，"怎麼了？"，"不知道怎麼回事呢！"，喬出了一個掰出來的理由組起這個懶懶的還好吧！對話的當下，我思索著，如果這是我必須面對的空間，無法跨開的地域，或者這就必須繼續往前走的景象，這個靈魂該如何和這些纏繞與該與不該做一個和平的共處。就像綠色和平的那種國際組織一樣，尋找到一種可以作到protection理念又能夠和這世界相容的境地呢？
最近繼續在運動中，每天基本的600x4steps已經能夠在堅持中跨越，你呢？可以撐到多少了呢？偶爾會多吃了些零食，就有一種罪惡，一兩次還可以勉強自己再多做些運動，消掉那些意外(也許不是意外而是一種補償作用吧...^^)入口的熱量。很訝異，因為你的在家慢步，也跟著讓我慢慢的組出了這樣的習慣。至少，是這一段茫然無目標的日子裡，重要的正向事項。
今天有個突發奇想，想說，能不能動到累了，累到連那些虧欠和欠疚的思緒，都可以在過程中消耗隱形。可以看到這實在想要擺脫的包袱，或者，如果已經宣告不再參與，是該放下那一直撐著乘水的玻璃杯，就讓手臂好好的休息。(我喜歡你轉寄給我的那份email，也許是時間到了一個可以打開心情想想的時候..Anyhow,謝謝你那份剛好出現的文章。)
別偷懶，想到在電視前面動一動，消耗個一點點的卡路里，都是一種神氣！
Love, SH
2010-09-08
抱歉，不該是你！
Dear Z,
自己被困在一個情境裡，好久，都快成了低潮的習慣期了。找了其他的理由說不開心，其實，也許只是在一種框限的文化裡，解讀一個關於情感的來與去。加上一些應該或不應該的判定，就讓心和思緒困在一個灰暗的自責。人們說愛，如果是關於愛情，對於婚姻裡的角色似乎有著一種應該絕緣的預設思緒。只是，一段感情的出走，是一個人的問題還是兩個人的問題？或者，沒有太多的考慮，就直接是那個出走方的瓶頸？
為了一個短暫的出走，成了一種空虛，回到原本的狀態裡，就像無味的水那樣的無奇、無期。連生命中曾經還閃著光亮的意義，全都溶在那個已經離開的轉移。也許，這真是我的問題！而自己卻沒有一隻能夠轉開鎖的鑰匙，去解開這一個情境轉移後的迷境。一部分嚴重自責，對於一方無私的照顧和用心，這個出走是一個無法被自己容許的抱歉，或者說，這是一種不公平，而自己卻無法忍受就這樣放在生活裡，安靜的傷害著另一方的用心。不公平..我跟自己說，至少，不該讓這樣一個很認真的人，有這樣的待遇。而這個對白，也成了自己的沉痛。原來，沒有方式說抱歉，也是一種折磨人的方式。
這個故事依然隱匿在我所居住的空間裡，也許，是自己還沒準備好該怎麼前行，也還沒有勇氣面對投入事實後的水痕會怎樣的成浪打擊。只是，為什麼是自己？為什麼是這個時間須要走過這樣的難為，為這個不知為何如此的行程而翻亂了接續日夜的思緒。
也許，那個對話，從來就不是一段玩笑！
謝謝你，沒有拒絕，給了一個喘氣的空間，某個方式的在透氣，在幾乎窒息裡微微的透著氣。
Love, SH
自己被困在一個情境裡，好久，都快成了低潮的習慣期了。找了其他的理由說不開心，其實，也許只是在一種框限的文化裡，解讀一個關於情感的來與去。加上一些應該或不應該的判定，就讓心和思緒困在一個灰暗的自責。人們說愛，如果是關於愛情，對於婚姻裡的角色似乎有著一種應該絕緣的預設思緒。只是，一段感情的出走，是一個人的問題還是兩個人的問題？或者，沒有太多的考慮，就直接是那個出走方的瓶頸？
為了一個短暫的出走，成了一種空虛，回到原本的狀態裡，就像無味的水那樣的無奇、無期。連生命中曾經還閃著光亮的意義，全都溶在那個已經離開的轉移。也許，這真是我的問題！而自己卻沒有一隻能夠轉開鎖的鑰匙，去解開這一個情境轉移後的迷境。一部分嚴重自責，對於一方無私的照顧和用心，這個出走是一個無法被自己容許的抱歉，或者說，這是一種不公平，而自己卻無法忍受就這樣放在生活裡，安靜的傷害著另一方的用心。不公平..我跟自己說，至少，不該讓這樣一個很認真的人，有這樣的待遇。而這個對白，也成了自己的沉痛。原來，沒有方式說抱歉，也是一種折磨人的方式。
這個故事依然隱匿在我所居住的空間裡，也許，是自己還沒準備好該怎麼前行，也還沒有勇氣面對投入事實後的水痕會怎樣的成浪打擊。只是，為什麼是自己？為什麼是這個時間須要走過這樣的難為，為這個不知為何如此的行程而翻亂了接續日夜的思緒。
也許，那個對話，從來就不是一段玩笑！
謝謝你，沒有拒絕，給了一個喘氣的空間，某個方式的在透氣，在幾乎窒息裡微微的透著氣。
Love, SH
2010-09-07
That somebody
Dear Zoe,
Met my friends at a dinner gathering and accidently heard this Sbody. It's like someone peeling a deep scabbed wound. My mind just like being smashed by a suddent bat, at that moment and need to skip the topic to blur the deep sorrow. At that moment, I knew, I need to escape from the enviroment which might related to the keyword. Ended in silence hurts and till now, it still has it's own effect even a similar pronouciation will lead my mind into scared.
Does this is the course I need to process? or it's a karma that I ever sent someone going though it? I am sorry, I should said to the one that ever been through these way. It's a deep pain, too pain to make a sound but only expressed by distorted fist. Life is hard, I am glad you only need to know this from reading but not throw it in your life. Be happy, keep some more smile for me.
Love, SH
Met my friends at a dinner gathering and accidently heard this Sbody. It's like someone peeling a deep scabbed wound. My mind just like being smashed by a suddent bat, at that moment and need to skip the topic to blur the deep sorrow. At that moment, I knew, I need to escape from the enviroment which might related to the keyword. Ended in silence hurts and till now, it still has it's own effect even a similar pronouciation will lead my mind into scared.
Does this is the course I need to process? or it's a karma that I ever sent someone going though it? I am sorry, I should said to the one that ever been through these way. It's a deep pain, too pain to make a sound but only expressed by distorted fist. Life is hard, I am glad you only need to know this from reading but not throw it in your life. Be happy, keep some more smile for me.
Love, SH
2010-09-02
借光
DZ,
最近被丟一個問號，"如果子嗣的事情成真，對你而言，什麼心情迎接這件事情？"
當下的觀察，沒有特別的感覺，就是一件新的事情，要學習，要面對。其實，熟知情緒處理的專家會窺伺到一些端倪，可能，會有人推斷，有憂鬱的傾向。老實說，我沒有要逃避什麼，只是被傷的很重，重到一種提不起勁的懶惰。很神奇，因為刺傷的那把刀，是無形的，卻搶奪了生命裡的一種火光，那種對生活感興趣的火光。
我還在觀察，是哪一段的傷害，會滅了一種在生活裡感到開心的火光。如果你有發現，如果你有找到，或者遇到了誰曾經帶走這樣的光芒，記得，請他/她還給對方。因為，少了那個燃點的光亮，日子變得淡然而無味，只是我不了解，為什麼人們掠奪這樣的能量，只為了自己少掉的燃點，就這樣一個自私的初衷，世界就這樣竄留著有限的能量。
不知道哪裡會有能量，可以補足這樣的光芒，也許，會在某一個艷陽的下午，或者會在某一個落著大雨的晚上，或者，是像有些人鼓足了勇氣，就全然放下的那一刻，那個光芒回到了身上。
周遭朋友從片段訊息中，拼湊著對於這個狀態的想法，大肆論述著他認為是怎麼樣，該怎麼樣，可以怎麼樣。當故事沒有完整性的時候，這樣聽著說法，只能用莞爾一笑帶過一個無言的橋段，有時候，我累倒了，倦於澄清事實與敘述上的落差；有時候，我只是在想，多說又能怎樣？他的靜默，依然沒有解讀的說法；這個抽離，依然沒有完整的段章；這段相遇，不過是一個沒有被回答的問號，又能怎樣？不能怎樣。
如果你有時光機，借我！我真的需要按快轉，讓這段無力茫然閒晃的時間，快讓它過去吧！
fm SH
最近被丟一個問號，"如果子嗣的事情成真，對你而言，什麼心情迎接這件事情？"
當下的觀察，沒有特別的感覺，就是一件新的事情，要學習，要面對。其實，熟知情緒處理的專家會窺伺到一些端倪，可能，會有人推斷，有憂鬱的傾向。老實說，我沒有要逃避什麼，只是被傷的很重，重到一種提不起勁的懶惰。很神奇，因為刺傷的那把刀，是無形的，卻搶奪了生命裡的一種火光，那種對生活感興趣的火光。
我還在觀察，是哪一段的傷害，會滅了一種在生活裡感到開心的火光。如果你有發現，如果你有找到，或者遇到了誰曾經帶走這樣的光芒，記得，請他/她還給對方。因為，少了那個燃點的光亮，日子變得淡然而無味，只是我不了解，為什麼人們掠奪這樣的能量，只為了自己少掉的燃點，就這樣一個自私的初衷，世界就這樣竄留著有限的能量。
不知道哪裡會有能量，可以補足這樣的光芒，也許，會在某一個艷陽的下午，或者會在某一個落著大雨的晚上，或者，是像有些人鼓足了勇氣，就全然放下的那一刻，那個光芒回到了身上。
周遭朋友從片段訊息中，拼湊著對於這個狀態的想法，大肆論述著他認為是怎麼樣，該怎麼樣，可以怎麼樣。當故事沒有完整性的時候，這樣聽著說法，只能用莞爾一笑帶過一個無言的橋段，有時候，我累倒了，倦於澄清事實與敘述上的落差；有時候，我只是在想，多說又能怎樣？他的靜默，依然沒有解讀的說法；這個抽離，依然沒有完整的段章；這段相遇，不過是一個沒有被回答的問號，又能怎樣？不能怎樣。
如果你有時光機，借我！我真的需要按快轉，讓這段無力茫然閒晃的時間，快讓它過去吧！
fm SH
2010-09-01
Can you fix that?
Have you ever found exausted when talking
to someone who customary critisize on things when every you said?
When your message left some reply in FB, he would say you like to show off.
When you replying what his question,
he commented you were too selfish of doing this and that.
Can we just be a friend listening to other's murmuring?
It's not necessary to make my day into your rules, isn't it?
And what he latly mentioned frequently "be a professional listner"
To say the truth, I had a line for you! my dear!
Fix your attitude first.
Or I'll see two patients coming out from the consulting room after the dialoguing.
to someone who customary critisize on things when every you said?
When your message left some reply in FB, he would say you like to show off.
When you replying what his question,
he commented you were too selfish of doing this and that.
Can we just be a friend listening to other's murmuring?
It's not necessary to make my day into your rules, isn't it?
And what he latly mentioned frequently "be a professional listner"
To say the truth, I had a line for you! my dear!
Fix your attitude first.
Or I'll see two patients coming out from the consulting room after the dialoguing.
Looks like..
Letter from SH
DZ,
I received a letter from a friend who I acquainted with 2 weeks ago, mentioned that I looked "HAPPY". Grinned, when I read the word. Did I hide in a perfect way or my face just disconnect with the brain I have? To bad that we haven't met lately, or I will ask you if I do seem that disassociate!
Hope it's not something being trained by the environment and I even don't know how to express a no tone feeling to people around me. A friend called and asked what I think about her life existent recently. There's a cause for people find his/her drama. There's up and downs in every episode I take. sometimes it need a pause only there's no mark on the script, sometimes we would go some advice from friends around, it depends. Or sometimes I would just took a wrong suggestion, just like this time and torn my life in pieces.
Share you something great! I've keep on jogging more then 20mins everyday even though my weight still remained in the same scale. At least that's one thing I Keenp-on doing. And sometimes that keeps my day in a brighter way. How have you been? miss you when ever I have a hot latte in my hand. How's the ceremony? Is it going to be over or there's weeks left?
September, already! remembered that we are planing to gather someday in this month?! I'll wait till you finish those ceremonies.
I wrote something in the passed week, share with you. You wouldn't know how much I want to have a life as you are, free from the relationship. As you said, dreams are always more beautiful then how it works in real. People is always greedy to own a life that he can't have... as I am one of them.
Expectation of the emptiness
而是那份我們相同擁有、亟欲掙脫又不敢猛作的框限，
文字裡傳遞的L與M帶著什麼樣的線索？
是幾層代表著不同意義的閃躲，
還是真正希望擁有的special?
也許，這個過程，我們都在造就另一個獨特，
不是捧寵著對方，而是一把讓自己跌落無底的黑洞
在無止境的黑夜中，掙扎，摸索。
Take care, don't work too hard, you need rest!
Love SH
DZ,
I received a letter from a friend who I acquainted with 2 weeks ago, mentioned that I looked "HAPPY". Grinned, when I read the word. Did I hide in a perfect way or my face just disconnect with the brain I have? To bad that we haven't met lately, or I will ask you if I do seem that disassociate!
Hope it's not something being trained by the environment and I even don't know how to express a no tone feeling to people around me. A friend called and asked what I think about her life existent recently. There's a cause for people find his/her drama. There's up and downs in every episode I take. sometimes it need a pause only there's no mark on the script, sometimes we would go some advice from friends around, it depends. Or sometimes I would just took a wrong suggestion, just like this time and torn my life in pieces.
Share you something great! I've keep on jogging more then 20mins everyday even though my weight still remained in the same scale. At least that's one thing I Keenp-on doing. And sometimes that keeps my day in a brighter way. How have you been? miss you when ever I have a hot latte in my hand. How's the ceremony? Is it going to be over or there's weeks left?
September, already! remembered that we are planing to gather someday in this month?! I'll wait till you finish those ceremonies.
I wrote something in the passed week, share with you. You wouldn't know how much I want to have a life as you are, free from the relationship. As you said, dreams are always more beautiful then how it works in real. People is always greedy to own a life that he can't have... as I am one of them.
Expectation of the emptiness你的虛，我的空，
在時空交會處猛烈的撞擊，
摔落前緊握的不是你伸援的手，而是那份我們相同擁有、亟欲掙脫又不敢猛作的框限，
文字裡傳遞的L與M帶著什麼樣的線索？
是幾層代表著不同意義的閃躲，
還是真正希望擁有的special?
也許，這個過程，我們都在造就另一個獨特，
不是捧寵著對方，而是一把讓自己跌落無底的黑洞
在無止境的黑夜中，掙扎，摸索。
Take care, don't work too hard, you need rest!
Love SH
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